


Something Good For you

by BlueMoonHound



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-SBurb AU, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, a little ooc, character death but like they're alive now, cuz gamzee's not high or having a ragefit, death mention, gamzee is not in a fridge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 20:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7478526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMoonHound/pseuds/BlueMoonHound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros has given you so much and it's time you gave him a little something in return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Good For you

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first gamtav fic :o) The pov is a little odd because it's definately gamzee, but it's p ooc because he's not high. (work with me here haha)  
> don't be afraid to point out spelling mistakes or w/e!

“Gamzee?”

 

\---

 

You hit her again. You're laughing now. Your clubs are covered in olive blood.

Something feels wrong.

 

\---

 

“Gamzee. Wake up.”

 

\---

 

There's a small part of you which is screaming-- crying for you to stop. But it's trapped under a mess of nets, crushed beneath the weight of your mood. It's been years since your sober side has shown through.

She's dying. Hissing like some sort of animal. Her pupils are just slits, like a meowbeast turned troll. She's still struggling, but she hasn't got long.

You can blame this one on Vriska. That _Motherfucker_. Fucked up Tavros. You'll never ever forgive her.

You're so fucking _angry_.

Something feels so, so wrong right now. You're shaking.

Fuck, fuck, Nepeta's dying in front of you, you don't know what to do, this isn't what happened, right? You wouldn't hurt people, fuck fuck fuck fuck…

You turn around and trip over something and then you're falling, and you're trapped inside a refrigerator, and something hits you and it's Tavros's _head_ –

 

“Gamzee!”

“HolymotherFUCKer,” you gasp. Your eyes flutter open. It takes a moment to adjust to the darkness, but you know who's there. You put a shaking hand against Tavros's face – run it down along his nose, over his ears, along his left horn-- he's there, he's fucking _alive_ , breathing, no longer quite so fucked over, staring at you with those beautiful pale brown eyes – what did you do to _deserve_ this?

“Uh, you okay Gamzee?”

“I'm -I'm motherfucking fine, Tavbro,” you choke. You cry so easy, especially nowadays. Better to cry then to rage, though, so much better. It's so good to be sober, it's been a month since the game and you haven't gotten high on slime or drunk on rage that entire time. You're still ashamed, though. It shouldn't have been a fucking problem to start with, especially not the latter. You hate your fucking game powers. You're pretty sure everyone hates your game powers. Or maybe they just hate you.

Tavros is petting your hair. Knows how to calm a bro down. You don't deserve someone as good as Tavbro. You don't think he's ever said a bad thing to you. He makes you so fucking happy, and you're a motherfucking murderer and Tav is pure to the fucking _bone_ \--

He shooshes you. You two vacillate pale so fucking often, it's a miracle. But in a good way. You're both okay with this. “It's ok.”

“T-tav – I – I fucking killed people – I killed my friends-- it's not fucking okay--” Something wells up inside you and it takes you a moment to realize what it is and reel it in before it makes Tavros scared. You take a deep breath.

“H-hey, it's okay, right? You've talked to everyone. They understand. Hey.” His fingers find the base of one of your horns and a calm feeling floods through you. “Who was it this time?”

“Nepeta,” you mumble into his shirt.

“See? You've talked to Nepeta. She's okay. She's alive. You weren't yourself. It's okay.”

He's right. Nepeta was a little afraid to see you when you first met again, but after a – very very awkward, heartwrenching conversation in which you cried no less than four times and Equius may or may not have punched you – you came to the conclusion that yes, you hate yourself for it, and no, you weren't really in control of your own mind when that shit went down. You may have also punched Equius, for insulting Tavros. In fact, you might have had a small fight. In the middle of Roxy's nightclub. You might have lost. You're very glad you lost actually. If you had let your chucklevoodos out Equius wouldn't have stood a chance. Brute strength though, and he always wins.

You have a little trouble holding back when you get emotional. You get emotional a lot nowadays. Rose calls it 'ptsd'. You might have zoned out when she explained it, but you're sure Tavros knows what she's talking about.

You take a deep breath and pull Tavros closer. What did you do to _deserve_ him.

You don't remember much after the fight at the club. Nepeta persuaded Equius to let you up but you're pretty sure you couldn't get up. You couldn't breathe, except in sharp little bursts that made your lungs ache, and the world spun. And then you don't really remember anything at all. Tavros gave you a glass of water at some point. He told you you had a break down after, no one was hurt, it's gonna be okay. And then you fell back asleep because you were so fucking tired.

“m good now, tavbro,” you murmur. He sighs and runs a hand through your hair again and then you're pretty sure he falls back asleep. You don't sleep in 'coons here on Earth. You all have nightmares, but now they're about the game. Well except Karkat. He doesn't really sleep last you knew. But doing it the human way – bein there for each other, helpin each other, cuddling-- it really does work.

You pet Tavros's hair. You'll have to do something nice for him tomorrow. You'll have to do something nice for him every single day for the rest of his life, because man. He is motherfucking amazing.

Tavros was there when you were resurrected. The memories of all the timelines were sorta dumped on you just as you woke up. Tavros, he wasn't so bad. He was shaken, but he was alright. He had been a hero in one life and a god cat in another and not much besides. You were reeling, though. You didn't know where your motherfucking feet were and all you could see was too many memories. And they were weird, half formed memories too-- pregame was just a haze, incomplete, either too young or too stoned to gain purchase in your mind. During the game-- before the asteroid bit, anyway – that was okay. Nothing too terrible. And after that was nothing more than adrenaline filled staccato flashes of terrible, terrible things. Almost killing Karkat. That doll. Strider sending you a youtube video. Killing. Getting shot by a green boy with suspenders.

Walls of a fridge. Disembodied heads. More walls. Walls for years. You're pretty sure the fridge literally happened for years.

But Tavros had hugged you and held you even though you are probably the worst troll on this entire rapidly rotating space rock. And he stuck around.

You kiss his cheek.

You'll have to do something really fucking good for him tomorrow.

 

You start by making him breakfast.

You're getting used to earth food. It's a little different from what you ate on Alternia, but you're still pretty good at cooking, even when the ingredients get swapped up bigtime. You're still using water and all that jazz. It's not too hard. You wake up at the crack of dawn and make an apple crisp.

You also make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. Rose said it was super cliché of you but you love it. You always put more peanut butter than jelly because it's healthier. You also put some grasshoppers in his lunch, because while humans might be able to eat tons of red meat and plant foods and basically nothing else, you trolls need some good crunchy insect meat sometimes. Not that it isn't hypocritical of you to be thinking about diet. You lived off slime and faygo – basically, weed and alchohol – and whatever you could scrounge out of the sea free of charge for most of your childhood.

Your bones show. You're the spitting image of healthy.

It's a motherfuckin miracle that you're still alive. (Well. It is. The game just kinda… slid you in with the rest of them even though you probably got sucked into a black hole.)

Tavros comes padding down the stairs in a pair of pale green shorts and your shirt (wOaH, MaN, ThE InNuEnDoS,) rubbing his eyes. He's fairly skinny too, but not nearly as bad as you – you remember before the game started he used to be fairly chubby, but you guess he lost it all as a ghost because when you met him again after the game he was a little stick. He's gained some back-- you've made sure of it. You're the housekeeper around here and you make sure that Tavros is eatin enough grub.

“Whoa, Gamzee, did you make breakfast?”

Your life is. Such a sappy romance. You grin at Tavros. You sit down on the couch and watch TV while you eat because you two aren't the slightest bit formal and you never have been, at least with each other. As long as Tavros is chill with it, you are.

He wears your shirt to work. A little part of you is afraid that someone might recognize the sign and beat Tavros up for it but-- he's gonna be around animals all day, and man if he doesn't have a _way_ with animals.

A lotta days you tell yourself you're gonna do something nice for Tav, but then you don't have the energy. You get flashbacks. Memories from alt timelines that didn't come to you when you entered the new universe, like they did for everyone else, because, as Rose says, your brain doesn't wanna know. But you gotta know eventually. You gotta know just how terrible you are, just how many motherfucking years were wiped away by your unfortunate classpect's influence and Lord English's eyes.

And there are the days when you can't get up, you just hug a pillow and stare at the wall and shake, and berate yourself for wishin Tavbro was there to hold you because he's doin his best and he's getting the bills paid and you're just sittin there at home doin nothing whatsoever n waiting for him every motherfucking day.

He doesn't get out much as a result, poor troll.

That gives you an idea.

 

\---

 

Your hands are shaking as you enter Aradia's number. They were close, before the game, before the accident. Before she died, you realize. You never met her before she died. You know she did your job for you-- fucked Vriska up good – but that was before you knew Tav was hurt, too. There's a special place in your heart for people who care that much about your bro.

You sit down on the couch because you know what people think of you and you don't think you can do this standing. Your heart's already getting a lil fluttery. Everything's scarier when you're sober. Maybe that's why you were always high, back then.

You vaguely remember telling Karkat that eating slime melts your brain. For some reason, the memory is incredibly sinister. You shudder and press call.

The phone rings.

It rings.

It rings, and the ringing sound is starting to grate at you all wrong.

But then there's a click, and Aradia's voice comes through the speaker.

“Hello? This is Aradia Megido.”

“H-Hello? Aradia? I--”

“Gamzee?” She sounds… completely dumbstruck. Absolutely gobsmacked. Surprised.

“Yeah, fuck, hey, it's this motherfucker.”

“Why are you calling??” She still sounds surprised. Or maybe she's repulsed? Does she hate you? (she should, whispers a small little piece of your brain but no no no that's the rage, and you push it away.) Your heart is goin at a million miles an hour and your limbs feel like lead and you're really really motherfuckin glad you sat down instead of standing up for this.

“I uh, I just wanted to do somethin nice for Tavbro and he hasn't seen you in ages but if you're busy, uh, or anything I suppose it's ok bro, I can go.”

“No, no! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just haven't heard you talk since the game! Or much at all, we didn't see each other. So um, what were you going to suggest?”

“Just uh, do you want to come over and chill? I wasn't thinking anything too detailed...”

_Calm down. She doesn't hate you. Or at least she's not sayin that she hates you. She hasn't hung up. You can't hurt her over a phone. Calm down._

“Oh! Sure! When?”

“Well I was thinkin tonight, but that might be sudden or somethin...” you trail off.

“No I can do tonight!”

“Can you come over a lil before he gets home so you're here when he arrives?”

“Oh...” there's a pause which makes your throat close a little. “Is that safe?” You can tell by her voice. She thinks you're gonna hurt her.

“Fuck, sorry bro, sorry, I didn't mean--” You try very hard not to clutch the phone so hard that it breaks in your hand.

You killed people. You killed people. You killed your motherfucking friends. Killed them. They were dead. Your breathing's gone all raspy and you try to reorient yourself because you don't want Aradia fussing over you or anything, you're terrible and don't deserve people's pity. But you're sure she's already heard.

“Woah, Gamzee, you okay? You sound a little bit...” There's a pause. A hand over the speaker? She's talking to someone. “Hey, Gamzee, can Sollux come? He sounds like he wants to.”

Was Sollux a precaution? …. Tavros would like to see Sollux, you're sure of it. You nod, then you remember you're on the phone. “Yeah, whatever's chill with you, yeah.”

“We're coming over now.” Now? It's not even noon yet. Tavros doesn't get home till five. It's only an hour's drive, right? You try to do more math but your mind skips a beat and you just pull in closer and curl up tighter and try to push away the panic still rising in your chest.

“O-okay,” you say, and then Aradia hangs up.

You finally process that you have an hour to get yourself together and you stumble to the bathroom. You have to cover up your scars. They freak people out, most people anyway, Tavros lives with you so he had to get used to them, or maybe he was just okay with them anyway? They're not okay, though, they're not even remotely okay. You reach under the sink and pull out the wrong shade of makeup and curse. You can't wear your old face paint anymore, because that shit makes you uncomfortable, it's a physical reminder of your ever present highblood powers that just make you feel like you're gonna hurt people.

You find the right shade of makeup-- pale gray, skin tone, and rub it on over the now dull but not quite vanished indigo scar lines running down your face, flinching when you get a little in your eye. Your irises have turned indigo now. Tavros says they're pretty. For a while you wondered if you would be more comfortable with human contacts-- maybe gray, or maybe a color that trolls don't get, like hazel or something. But it wasn't really your sign that bothered you, but the way you had used the corresponding powers to hurt your friends. Maybe you should try it anyway, just to wear a mask and pretend you're a different blood color.

You finish putting on your makeup and sigh. It doesn't hide the bumps in your skin, the scars are still there. But they're not a frightening, faded shade of indigo. They're much less noticeable like this.

You've calmed down a little and you're feeling better. It'll be nice to see some friends, someone besides Tavros. You wouldn't really mind if Tavros was the only person you ever saw again but that's not good for him, either, and you know you're really reliant.

“I'm the reliant one now,” you tell the mirror, trying to do that thing Dave does where he runs his hand through his hair but getting stuck-- first on a ton of tangles, then on your horn, and you have to take your hand out. You're not sure if humans are lucky or not to not have horns.

You flop back down on the couch and hug a pillow. You have half an hour now, but you've kinda lost interest in rushing about. You feel heavy and weird and you just let your horns rest against the arm and stare at the ceiling. You're careful not to let yourself nuzzle the pillow, because the last thing you need is to have to redo your makeup.

You stare at the ceiling and hug your pillow until you hear a car pull into the drive. You drop the pillow and leap to your feet, realizing that you're just wearing what you went to bed in maybe an hour too late. Not that you didn't always wear sweatpants and a soft tee shirt before the game, but this isn't even a shirt with a sign on it and you spent too long in that motherfucking empire to quite free yourself from the twitchy need to wear your sign. Tavros is long over it, but he has more game memories than you do, certainly more positive ones anyway. He's just had a better time adjusting overall.

Tavros might be shy, he might have confidence issues that affect almost every part of his life, but fuck if he doesn't adjust. He's really good at the adjusting game. He's played it so many times in his life.

You take a deep breath and open the door. Aradia is taller than you remember, and Sollux is shorter-- You must have gaped for longer than you thought because Aradia shifts, cocks an eyebrow, and pointedly asks if they could come in.

“O-oh, yeah, sorry, fuck,” you step aside and let them into your house.

“You seem to be doing better,” Aradia comments.

You shrug. “I uh. Calmed the fuck down. Cuz I needed to do that, cuz you were coming over. And I don't wanna scare anybody.”

Sollux and Aradia sit on the couch so you sit on the floor across from it. Then you realize they might not want to look at you and you feel stupid. You doubt they want you on the couch though. You stare at your hands and opt not to move.

No need to look more stupid.

“Gamzee you sure you're okay?” You're taken slightly aback by the slight buzzing undertone in Sollux's voice. He doesn't just have a lisp, then. You'd never really listened to the sound he made when he talked but then again you've always been rather distracted. You feel shitty, though, he's right. All the little things you're noticing are just reminding you that you never interacted with these two. You vaguely remember cutting off Sollux's head, but he was dead, so you don't think it's quite so bad, is it so bad to cut someone's head off when they're already dead? Why did you cut people's heads off anyway?

“Yea bro,” you rasp, “I'm fine.” Your voice isn't quite cooperating. You think you're gonna be fine though.

“So when does Tavros get home?” Aradia asks, staring at a photo on the wall. It's a picture of you giving Tavros bunny ears and you thought it was really funny because your horns already look a little like bunny ears. Not as much as Fef's, but it was still there. And so Tavros had got a frame for it and stuck it on the mantle and you had cried for about an hour because he was just too nice to you and why would he want a silly picture like that in his house. It's his house. It doesn't belong to you at all, you're just a some freeloader with emotional baggage.

“Five,” you say.

“Really? Want to go out? We could buy him something.”

“I don't have any money.”

Aradia giggles.

“What?” Your heart jumps, did you say something wrong? What kind of laugh was that? Should you be worried?

“It's just funny that--” she pauses. “Nevermind.”

Sollux and Aradia exchange looks and it appears that they know exactly what she was going to say, and you feel very small.

“Maybe I should clean,” you tell the floor.

“Do you want help?” Sollux asked. He looked like he was bored by the whole conversation.

“nah, bro, I can handle it.” You get up. “You can watch TV or go into town or whatever, just uh, if you're gonna go into town, be back by 4:30 n all. You know.”

Aradia goes shopping. Sollux sits on the couch and lifts furniture when you come around with the vaccum. It's actually really helpful and you're really glad he's here. You're rather weak for a highblood, and liftin furniture is definitely not a thing you can just do. And also it turns out you really needed to clean out under the furniture. It's disgusting.

“I don't think I've ever seen you make a face like that,” Sollux muses, flicking his fingers and lowering the big armchair Tavros likes to sit in next to the window. You look up in surprise. You had been thinking so hard about how dirty the place is that you hadn't even considered what expressions you might have been making.

“I was makin a face?”

“You were… Scowling. But also not in an angry way.” He shrugs. “I've seen you smile in a way that's kinda like a cruel scowl, but I've never seen you just look perfectly honest about it.”

You're clinging to the handle of the vacuum.

“Oh.”

He's watching you. It's really hard to tell with his eyes and the glasses he always wears but you know he's watching you. At least he's not tense.

“Sorry, bro, I didn't mean to --”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“You're so different.”

You're completely unsure of how to take that. Is it good to be different or bad to be different? You're sober now, that's you guess something positive, but maybe you were better back before the game, when you were high all the time? You take a shaky breath.

You're not sure if it's you or Sollux who decides this isn't going to be discussed any longer, but the subject is dropped. (Maybe it was your face. Maybe you were making another expression.)

Aradia comes back around three with a small gift box. You can't tell what's inside at all but that's fine, just another surprise for you and you trust her judgment. She knew Tavbro a lot better when they were kids than you did.

There had been a lot of hard work for most people in the manufacturing of a new society-- It might have been just months for you, but for the time players, space players, and a few other useful classpect holders, it had been more like 100 years. Long enough to set up a new, troll-human society here on earth, using a lot of really weird mechanics to get a bigger gene pool for both the humans and the trolls. You hadn't wanted to pitch in, but you're pretty sure Kerloz did, so you guess your line's continuing.

Anyway, you had jobs, lived in suburbs(or an apartment, in Dirk's case) and worked in a living society because of decades of work that had been turned into mere months for your own sakes. Terezi and the Serkets did most of the memory meddling to get the people in the society to behave as if it weren't a month, but rather a lifetime for them. You doubt anyone'd be able to work out the belief in immortal, partially powerful gods, because it requires interaction with said gods to get them to not believe, which is dumb.

You make dinner to distract yourself from all the odd thoughts running through your head. You make something much more trollish for this meal, since you have guests over who aren't humans, and you made something very human for breakfast.

“You have terrible tone,” Sollux comments from the living room. You hadn't even realized you were singing. You blush and bite your bottom lip.

You hear Tavros pull in and Aradia goes to the door. You're nervous now, what if he didn't want to see them?

No, they're his friends. He grew up with these guys. You're the outsider. You finish setting the table instead of following.

“Aradia?” you hear from the living room. “Sollux? Why are you here?”

“We were invited,” Sollux says.

There's a shuffle.

You're clutching a plate rather tightly and you let it go and put it down and grab the tabletop instead, because even if you aren't all that strong, you're still a highblood, and you could still break a plate.

Tavros comes running around the corner and pulls you into a hug. For a moment you just stare at his horn in your face and then you hug back.

“You called them?”

“Yeah.”

“And then you made dinner?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Gamzee this is the best thing I've ever come home to.”

“Tavbro can you move your horn? It's kinda in my face. And I'm wearin makeup.”

“Oh, uh, sorry!” He takes a step back and runs a finger along a smudge in your concealer. “You don't have to hide those you know, if you don't want to that is.”

“We have guests,” you mutter.

A finger runs along under your eye and you realize that you're crying. “Gamzee it's ok,” Tavros says. “Hey, wanna eat dinner?”

“Yeah bro,” you say, and you turn to where Sollux and Aradia had been watching (should you be concerned? Was that rude?) and walk into the dining room.

You got up and did something today. That shouldn't be an accomplishment, you realize, picking at your food.

“This is good!” Aradia says. You realize you made it and thank her, sticking a little in your mouth. You don't really feel like eating anymore. Did you want to at all? You don't know. You did make the food, but you didn't really earn it…

You shake your head and watch Tavros open the little present Aradia got him. It's a little necklace with a bronze pendant shaped like the wings Tinkerbull had.

“I saw it in the store and I thought of you,” Aradia was saying.

It makes you think about mermaids. Your lusus was one of those half-water animals. Humans have odd myths about them. You don't think that a pendant with your lusus on it would mean much to you, since he was so neglectful.

But Tavros has put the necklace on and thanked Aradia and hugged her. They're talking about life, now, and you're not really listening. You wouldn't have any input anyway.

You take care of empty plates (yours isn't empty, but you're not gonna finish you don't think) and clean while the other three catch up.

Tavros sounds so happy. You smile to yourself, hum a little bit. Today has been a very productive day.

 

\---

 

You wait in the kitchen for Tavros as he says goodbye. When he comes back in, he's still wearing Aradia's necklace.

“You planned all that. You called them. I mean I suppose that's not, uhm, quite the same as talking to Equius or something? Or uhm. Terezi. You know what I mean. But. You did that. For me?”

“Yeah bro,” you say. “I mean. You gotta see more people. It can't just be me. And I care.”

He chuckles. “Th-thanks, man,” he says.

You sigh.

This is good.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is www.bluemoonhound.tumblr.com
> 
> im definately gonna do some side stuff for gamtav in this universe and i'll probably make a series for that purpose


End file.
